“I used to think a wedding was a simple affair. Boy and girl meet, they fall in love, he buys a ring, she buys a dress, they say I do. I was wrong. That’s getting married. A wedding is an entirely different proposition.”
Steve Martin’s character, George Banks, in Father of the Bride (1991)
This was true in 1991 and, having been a part of my three children’s weddings, it is true today. It was also true in the first century. Yet the process leading to their marriages was quite different from ours.
At Christmas, we naturally think of the birth of Jesus. That should be our focal point. But before that, there was a normal Jewish couple who became His parents in the most unusual way. Betrothed but not yet married, Mary is pregnant through the work of the Holy Spirit. Joseph naturally reasons that Mary had been unfaithful for the child was not his. But He still loved her, so he determined to divorce her quietly rather than bring public charges that could have led to her death.
We would be right to think there is nothing “normal” here. Pregnant by the Holy Spirit? Angels delivering messages? A man not acting out of a righteous anger? And the betrothal thing—nothing about it feels normal for us!
Understanding first-century Jewish weddings is difficult because they feel foreign. Our modern customs—dating, engagements, elaborate ceremonies—simply didn’t exist. If we read those into the Bible or borrow later traditions from the third or fourth century, we risk missing important details. That can distort not only Joseph and Mary’s story but also Jesus’s many wedding parables.
So, let’s start fresh. Forget tuxedos, wedding planners, and diamond rings. Even forget most “historical” depictions in films. Let’s reset the picture.
There was no “dating.” Families played a central role in finding a match, though it wasn’t the same as rigid arranged marriages. Parents and extended family had significant influence, but the bride and groom did have a voice.
One key point to understand: there was no such thing as a “Galilean marriage.” In first-century Israel, Jewish marriage customs were largely consistent. While minor variations existed depending on urban versus rural settings or a family’s wealth, the foundation of ritual and law was shared. Lineage, property, and village ties mattered. Romantic feelings weren’t excluded, but they weren’t the deciding factor. In wealthier circles, intermediaries sometimes negotiated dowries or land. In smaller villages, initiative often came from the groom—approaching the bride’s family directly or through his father.
By law and custom, a bride could not be forced into marriage without at least some form of consent—though in practice this might be no more than her silent agreement.
Typical ages? The bride was usually 12–14, considered an adult in that society. The groom was often 18–20, already working toward supporting a household. Life expectancy averaged around 35–40 (shortened by disease and infant mortality), but many who survived childhood lived into their 50s or beyond.
Once families agreed, the couple entered betrothal (erusin or kiddushin). This was nothing like modern “engagement.” Betrothal was a binding legal act: from that moment, the bride was considered the groom’s wife under the law of Moses (Deut 22:23–24). Breaking it required divorce.
The betrothal ceremony usually took place at the bride’s home, with at least two witnesses present. Terms of provision were stated, the groom gave a token of value, and he declared, “Behold, you are consecrated to me according to the law of Moses and Israel.” She accepted, either verbally or silently. A blessing over wine might be added, followed by a shared cup.
From then on, they were legally husband and wife—but they did not live together. The groom went to prepare a home, often an addition to his father’s house. The bride prepared her wedding clothing and the household items she would bring. This period lasted about a year. If the groom delayed too long, he was expected to provide for his bride’s needs even while she lived in her father’s home.
The highlight was not the ceremony—it was the groom’s arrival. While the families might have an idea of when he would come, they would not know the exact night or hour. Everyone watched for him. The groom came at night—with torchbearers, music, and celebration—to escort the bride from her father’s house to their new home. Friends, neighbors, and even bystanders joined the procession. The more prominent the families, the more elaborate the celebration.
Once at the house, there would be a very short ceremony (a rabbi, priest, or elder was not required to officiate) after which the couple shared their first night together. The festivities could last for days—depending on the families’ resources. For many, this was the most joyful community event of the year.
With this background, Matthew’s account becomes clear: “When his mother Mary had been betrothed to Joseph, before they came together she was found to be with child” (Matt 1:18). Joseph and Mary were already legally bound as husband and wife. To break the betrothal would have required a legal divorce. That’s why Joseph, though heartbroken, considered “divorcing her quietly.” When the angel appeared in a dream, Joseph took Mary into his home as his wife, likely without the public feast and procession.
Far from being branded immoral, Mary was a married woman. Jesus, legally acknowledged by Joseph, was regarded as his son with full rights of inheritance. Whatever whispers there may have been, Jesus was not seen as illegitimate. His parents’ circumstances may have been humble, but they were not scandalous.
The real wonder of Christmas is not in reconstructing imagined scandals or hardships. It is in this: the eternal Son of God entered the world, born of Mary, to live and die for us, and to rise in glory. That is the mystery worth our attention.
Until the next time we see you here at CultivatingFaith.org, God Bless! #CultivatingFaithOrg