In a fit and with a scream I woke from my sleep. Sweat pouring from my face, tears streaming from my swollen eyes. Oh, that dream again! I hate that dream. Why do I keep having it? But this time, for the first time, it is different.
This dream, this nightmare, always starts with me in an unfamiliar place. I’m not sure where I am or what I am doing there, but something is not right. I shouldn’t have been there. I have this foreboding feeling that something is going to go wrong. But I don’t know what it is or why I feel that way. There is no one around. I don’t know where everyone is. Where is my wife? Where’s my family? I am so alone, so isolated. I can taste the bitter taste of panic building up in my body and soul. A sense of fear is falling on me like a heavy fog. I feel it but I can’t stop it. It envelops me and I am lost.
All I know is I must get away from there. It doesn’t even matter which way I go, just run. And run I do! “Oh, God, help me.” I run like I have never run before. I run and run. I don’t dare stop. Sweat is flowing from me. My whole body is hurting. My legs feel like noodles. But I keep running.
It’s working, I am getting away! Maybe, just maybe, this time I can do it. I can succeed! But then, just like every other time, he is behind me. I can’t see him at first, but he is running after me. I know it, I can feel him. I know he is after me. He is gaining on me. Who is he? What does he want? Somehow, I know that whoever he is, if he catches me, I am doomed. He wants to do me harm. Why? I don’t know! I don’t want to find out. I have to keep running.
He is gaining on me! I’m trying not to look back. I need to concentrate on running as fast as I can, but I can’t help myself, I look back. His is gaining on me, “Oh God, help me. Oh, please.” I’m so tired of running but so fearful to stop. “Run man!” I run as fast as I can, but he is gaining on me. I am shaking, not so much from fatigue, but fear of this person, this thing, catching me.
No, it’s him. Please, not him! He is chasing me again, and he always catches me. He is close enough that I can make out who it is. He is so ugly, so angry, and so hateful. Tattooed on his forehead in large letters is his name. His name is a word I dread, yet a word with which I am so familiar. It is the word that has characterized my life and how I see myself. There on his forehead, in letters that are getting bigger as he draws ever closer to me, is the name, the word I know but hate: Failure.
Failure: is this not what I am? Is this not what I have always been? I failed to be the father I wanted to be. Failed to be the husband my wife deserves. Failed to live a life that honored God. I fail to stand up to temptations. Here he is again and no matter how much or how fast I run I know it will not be good enough. Failure will catch me. Failure will have me. “Oh, God, not again.”
NO, not again! Not this time. “Oh, Lord, I can’t go on like this. I so need you. I can’t make it this time. I am at my end.”
Then something changes. This time I hear His voice, not an audible voice, but God is telling me to stop and turn around. I actually do it. I stop. I turn around and face my attacker, my tormentor. This creature, with his grotesque features and accusing declaration on his forehead, comes up to me. We stand face to face. His foul-smelling breath fills the air making it hard to breathe, yet I hold my ground. He looks fearsome but now also looks bewildered at the same time.
I speak calmly but sternly: “I know who you are. While you carry that accusation on your forehead, it is not you. Yes, I have failed, many times. I have failed to be who God has created me to be and I have failed to live up to the needs of those I love. I have sinned beyond measure. But that is not my story, more importantly, that is not the part I am to play in His story. Even while I was a despicable sinner Christ died for me (Rom 5:8). I too have fallen short and sinned against God (Rom 3:26) and I deserve death for my rejection and disobedience to God, yet God has mercifully and graciously given me eternal life in Christ Jesus my Lord (Rom 6:23). For I have confessed that Jesus is Lord. I agree with Jesus about my sinfulness. I do believe and trust in my heart that Jesus died for my sin and rose from the dead to give me victory (Rom 10:9-11).
“I am saved! Yet I have also failed to live up to His free gift of a new life. But I turn to Him even now and I confess my sin to Him. He is faithful and just to forgive me from all of it, to cleanse me of all of it (1 Jn 1:9). I also know I will continue to struggle with sin, yet even in my sin Christ loves me. I will lean on Him for wisdom and strength not to sin but if I do, He will still love and forgive me.
“So that word on your forehead, it is not the real issue here, is it? It is not the real you either, is it?”
The creature does not say a word. He stares at me with anger in his eyes. But I still see behind that anger, frustration, and disbelief that I would stand up to him. He stands there and says nothing.
“Come on, tell me the truth. Can you do that? Is there any truth in you? I know failure, I have lived in the past with the pain of it. Christ has saved me from so much, even my own failure. I thought you were failure. I thought that was who you were, but that is not true. Come on say it, say who you really are. I know, I know you!”
Then, without warning his face distorts. You would think he was in some kind of incredible pain, but it was not a physical pain. He is tormented by being discovered for who he is. I could hardly believe what I was seeing but it was happening. As I looked at him it changed, the name on his forehead transformed right before me. It twisted, contorted, and transformed into a new word. FEAR.
“Yes, you are fear! It has been fear that I have allowed to hold me back. Fear of failure, fear of being looked down on, fear that my sin would become known. Fear of facing a world as a pathetic sinner and failure. But that is not me anymore. I am a new creature in Christ. I am reconciled to my God for Christ, who never sinned, yet became sin that I might gain His righteousness. He died in my place paying all that I would gain it all” (2 Cor 5:17-21).
As I was speaking, a flood of tears descended from my face, tears of joy over what Christ has done for me, over the power of the Holy Spirit in my life to help me to stand against this enemy. For I do have the power—along with love and self-control—to stand my ground. I do not have to live in fear (2 Tim 1:7).
As love enveloped my being, the creature, my tormentor, melted away like the witch doused in water on the Wizard of Oz. I wish I could tell you he was done for good, but he creeps back at times but praise God, I can stand against him. I submit to God, resist him and he flees (James 4:7). You see “failure” and “fear” weren’t his real name. He and his minions come in many forms and many names starting as the serpent of old. Known to most of us as Satin, the devil, ruler of this world. While I can’t tell you Satan and his minions don’t seek to torment me anymore, I can say that this nightmare is no longer a part of my life!
Thanks for taking the time to read this tale. I know it was different from the usual pieces I share. While this was not biographical, it did contain truths of the issues I have dealt with and areas where my own sinful nature, with and without Satan’s influence, has had a negative impact on me. But as in the story, it doesn’t have to be that way in my life or yours. Sin does not have to control us. The starting point for all of us is the question for the ages: Do you have a personal relationship with God? If not, please read our post, “Do You Know God Personally.” Know that accepting Christ as your savior includes accepting Him as your Lord. We all have to live for Him. We have to trust Him not just for salvation from sin, as a way out of Hell, but for the salvation of our daily lives. Only in the power of the Holy Spirit can we make the promise of the Kingdom of God real for us.
Until the next time we see you here at CultivatingFaith.org, God Bless! #CultivatingFaithOrg
Photo by Paul Garaizar on Unsplash